I was wondering why some countries have many enemies and some don't. Why do some people have many enemies and others don't? Why do wars or other harmful conflicts erupt with some more often that with others?
In every conflict there are antagonists. They fight with each other in some way, each trying to harm the other more than the harm inflicted upon themselves. The one left standing (surviving or least harmed) when it's over is the winner. By definition the other loses. But why did those two (or more) choose the conflict and not some other pair or group? What do they have in common?
The most obvious trait is that they generally don't like each other. Wars have been started over territory (land and sea), over resources, over ethnic differences, over religion, etc. Yet people with disputes don't always end up in warfare or even as enemies. Some people with differences are able to resolve those differences and come to solutions that are beneficial to both. In business we call it "win-win". Everyone gets what they want.
Win-win strategies only work however if both parties are open to it. If one person doesn't want to play by those simple rules then it won't work. The other often walks away from the deal realizing that they won't be treated fairly by the other party. They don't want to abuse themselves so they won't expose themselves to it from others.
In conflicts this doesn't happen. One or both parties want something and the other is unwilling to allow it. Canada has few enemies - not because we are a weak country, although compared with our neighbor the USA, we are. We simply allow others what they want within reason. Where we have enemies, for example, the Taliban in Afghanistan, it's because we've been unwilling to allow them what they want. The Taliban has enemies because it can't allow others their practices. They have little to no tolerance for anything but their own extreme interpretation of Islam. And they have many enemies because many of us don't follow their ideas. Canada and the Taliban are enemies because of mutual non-allowance.
The USA has more of this happening. They won't allow Iraq to choose it's own destiny - the US wants to impose democracy and some in Iraq don't want it. Furthermore, the US is doing it by occupying their territory. In the 1700's when Britain occupied much of North America and Americans wanted a different form of government they did what Iraqi's are doing today - revolted and fought back. The revolutionaries won and now their decendants are imposing their will on others - exactly what their forefathers fought against. Yes, there is a stack of justification, some not so valid (after all President Bush did fabricate some of it), but does that make it right? Many are losing their freedom and even their lives because the US would like to impose its will. And some of us are following the lead, no doubt out of fear of some sort of reprisal from the US. They have indeed demonstrated their ability and willingness to impose their will for their own selfish desires - why not take over Canada. The fact that they'd end up with 10 more Democratic states having some 10 or 12% of the total vote might be holding the Republicans back - another fear.
At the root of every conflict is fear. The real enemy is our own fear about what might or might not happen in the future if we don't get our way. So we try to control it and thus eliminate options. Interference in what others are doing is what causes conflicts. Sometimes it seems morally justified and sometimes it's not. Regardless, it arises out of fear and our desire to control the outcome. Our apparent enemies are those we fear - those we act against, to harm or destroy or control. Our real enemy is the fear of the unknown that we have inside if we don't exercise that control.
Look at what can happen if you control too much. We use anti-biotics to "control" some illnesses. By using them however we have developed resistance to their effect. New, more resistant strains of those illnesses have arisen as a result. We've made the enemy stronger. Had we left it alone some would succumb, but more of us would simply develop our own ability to resist without help from artificial substances. Those substances can cause other problems in completely unrelated areas. Why abuse ourselves this way?
The simple answer is that we want to be abused. We certainly choose it as a society. And society is us. Stop the abuse. Don't just tolerate, allow. By allowing all, we allow both the "good" and the "bad". We benefit too. Perhaps by our example we'll see that those who would do harm may see the benefit of doing no harm and simply allowing as well. Notice how people around you will change when you change. You do create your own environment. That which you are is that which I am, and that which I am is that which you are.
13 March 2008
Lies or liars - who's the enemy here?
I'm watching the US fascination with NY governor Spitzer's indiscretion. He was hiding what he was doing (albeit not very well) and got caught. He was lying to his family and the public with his false law and order face. I wonder how many other politicians are like that? Perhaps they don't all have affairs, but what else do they lie about. Hiding the truth is really no different than lying about it.
In Canada we've got probes into wrong doing by various government ministers and departments and they are being held up by political stalling over "access to information". In my time in the military I discovered that the real reason for most official secrets is their potential to embarass the country, not to do any harm. So why so many secrets? Clearly we have a lot to be embarassed about. And who's keeping the secrets a secret? Mostly politicians and politically minded civil servants when it comes to government. But curing government of all its stupidity seems pretty futile, although a worth goal.
What about individuals? Do they have secrets? Yes. Why? Same reason - the truth could be embarassing. Why? There is a fear that the truth could do harm. The harm has not been done yet, there is just fear of some future event that may or may not happen. So we put a lot of energy into avoiding what may not even happen only to create circumstances that lead others down dead end paths. If you've ever acted on a hot stock tip, or advice from someone biased you'll know what I mean.
Who's the enemy here? The liar? Yes, but there's more. The liar is lying because we allow it and even reward it. Not getting caught means that you've "won". In politics it appears that the better the liar the more we reward it. Just look at our current crop of politcal leaders - liars to the core. None of them carries out his or her promises. They keep information from us - ostensibly for the public good.
Of course the Liar isn't the only enemy here. We allow them! We are our own enemies here. Collectively we allow and reward it. We lie to ourselves. By allowing others and rewarding them for it, we encourage it. We clearly don't want the truth. Why? Because it might be painful. Perhaps it is, but it is the truth - nothing, no amount of lying will change that. Knowing the truth is empowering - once known, it can be dealt with.
Stop lying to others and yourself. Always provide the truth and expect it in return. Reward those who are honest, not those who lie.
Where can lying get you? Well look at the democratic presidential candidate race in the US. Someone has lied about whether or not the two candidates will really want to open up the NAFTA treaty for change. Perhaps Hilary Clinton lied, perhaps Barrack Obama lied, perhaps the news reporters lied, perhaps the Canadian politicians who "leaked" the news lied. We'll probably never know for sure who did, but we do know a lie was used. And the US will select the person most likely to be their next president in part because of the fallout of a lie. And they worry about "hanging chads" in Floida. What a joke!
Look around you. See the lies and the deception and the untold truth but more importantly, see what it creates. We create our own reality. After all, "Existence is but an Extension of Yourself" (source: The Wonders).
In Canada we've got probes into wrong doing by various government ministers and departments and they are being held up by political stalling over "access to information". In my time in the military I discovered that the real reason for most official secrets is their potential to embarass the country, not to do any harm. So why so many secrets? Clearly we have a lot to be embarassed about. And who's keeping the secrets a secret? Mostly politicians and politically minded civil servants when it comes to government. But curing government of all its stupidity seems pretty futile, although a worth goal.
What about individuals? Do they have secrets? Yes. Why? Same reason - the truth could be embarassing. Why? There is a fear that the truth could do harm. The harm has not been done yet, there is just fear of some future event that may or may not happen. So we put a lot of energy into avoiding what may not even happen only to create circumstances that lead others down dead end paths. If you've ever acted on a hot stock tip, or advice from someone biased you'll know what I mean.
Who's the enemy here? The liar? Yes, but there's more. The liar is lying because we allow it and even reward it. Not getting caught means that you've "won". In politics it appears that the better the liar the more we reward it. Just look at our current crop of politcal leaders - liars to the core. None of them carries out his or her promises. They keep information from us - ostensibly for the public good.
Of course the Liar isn't the only enemy here. We allow them! We are our own enemies here. Collectively we allow and reward it. We lie to ourselves. By allowing others and rewarding them for it, we encourage it. We clearly don't want the truth. Why? Because it might be painful. Perhaps it is, but it is the truth - nothing, no amount of lying will change that. Knowing the truth is empowering - once known, it can be dealt with.
Stop lying to others and yourself. Always provide the truth and expect it in return. Reward those who are honest, not those who lie.
Where can lying get you? Well look at the democratic presidential candidate race in the US. Someone has lied about whether or not the two candidates will really want to open up the NAFTA treaty for change. Perhaps Hilary Clinton lied, perhaps Barrack Obama lied, perhaps the news reporters lied, perhaps the Canadian politicians who "leaked" the news lied. We'll probably never know for sure who did, but we do know a lie was used. And the US will select the person most likely to be their next president in part because of the fallout of a lie. And they worry about "hanging chads" in Floida. What a joke!
Look around you. See the lies and the deception and the untold truth but more importantly, see what it creates. We create our own reality. After all, "Existence is but an Extension of Yourself" (source: The Wonders).
05 March 2008
Who's your biggest enemy?
I did the following speech at my last Toastmasters meeting in Barrie, Ontario, Thurs 28 Feb 08.
Who’s your biggest enemy?
In the Senior Dictionary of Canadian English an enemy is, “a person or group that hates and tries to harm another, a hostile force, anything harmful – e.g.: frost is an enemy of plants.”
Have you ever thought about who your biggest enemy really is?
We’ll look at two situations:
1. You are stuck in traffic and late for a meeting.
2. A close friend lies to you.
You are in traffic headed to an important meeting. You’ve been running behind all day and now you’re stuck with nothing to think about but being late. Your blood boils and you think about the bad things that could happen because you are missing. You’re stressed.
Adrenaline, our natural stress response chemical is released. It triggers increased cardio-vascular activity and oxygenation, your senses are heightened and pain isn’t felt. Overstimulation by adrenaline – which can occur gradually over time, can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease and more.
· You knew you were running late.
· You could have warned those you are visiting.
· You could have re-scheduled.
· You could have allowed more time in your schedule.
But no, you pushed against time. A battle you know you can’t win.
Studies of the chronically late show that many simply don’t value time – yours or theirs. They fail to appreciate the value placed on it by others. They are inherently selfish – they don’t care about your time and they place little value on you. In July 2005, Don Malachowski wrote about time wasters in the SF Chronicle. Being late is one of the top 10 time wasters in business. It’s responsible for 1% of time wasted. Salary.com calculated that in the US some $759 billion per year is spent by employers on time wasted. That’s $7.6 billion US per year for being late, or about $100 for every person in the workforce.
· Who controlled the situations leading up to being late?
· Who could have done something about it?
· Who could have made it on time for you?
· Who is stressed?
· Who suffers the result of adrenaline stimulation?
· Who’s your enemy?
Now, let’s say that your best friend told you her husband cheated on her. She’s baring her soul to you. You offer your support, you listen, she has a shoulder to cry on. You take on her pain, hoping it will lessen her misery.
But later, you learn that she didn’t tell you everything: she had also cheated on her husband!
She didn’t tell you the whole truth. Now you feel cheated – betrayed on some level. You still feel her pain so you don’t want to add to her misery. You bury your feelings. You keep it inside and you feel badly. Your adrenaline has reacted again. And again that natural stress response does a little bit of harm to you. But you could have seen it coming.
Right or wrong, cheating is not uncommon. Statistics vary widely but here are few samples:
· U of Chicago: 12 % of women cheat, 22 % of men cheat,
· Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist: 20 % of women, 40 % of men,
· AskBob.com: 22 % of women, 37 % of men,
· The James Report on Sexual Behavior: 25 % of women, 35 % of men.
There’s a 50 / 50 chance that if the husband cheated, then so did the wife.
In this room of ______ women and ______ men it wouldn’t surprise me if ______ of the women and _____ of the men have or will cheat on their spouses.
Surprised? Perhaps, you’d be surprised if you hadn’t bothered to pay attention to what is pretty widely known and discussed. And you don’t need statistics to see it. John Legge, an old high school friend of mine and now a successful family lawyer in Toronto, jokingly attributes the success of his law practice to raging hormones.
Ever notice that when someone lies to you or doesn’t quite tell you everything, that you too were hiding something? Perhaps you were even hiding something from yourself. Not knowing, being uninformed, is a common way of deceiving ourselves.
We do it to avoid hurt. We all know that “ignorance is bliss”.
Now think about your reaction to the friend who cheated:
· Who didn’t see the facts?
· Who denied that she too might be cheating?
· Who fooled who?
· Who got stressed?
· Who was your enemy?
OUCH! In both these cases, the one hurting you is really you!
Dig into any situation and see the role you played in creating it. You even created tonight simply by being here. You are co-creator of the circumstances that you find yourself in.
The Wonders, a channeled entity say: “Existence is but an extension of yourself.”
It’s a statement that defines a harsh reality. Appreciate it and you realize that you can also change your circumstances by changing your choices.
If you don’t like where you are, then change your choices. Doing the same thing over and over doesn’t change the results – that’s a definition of insanity. Do something different - choose differently.
Blame doesn’t change your choices. It creates stress and harm. No one changes because you blame them. They only change when they choose to. They create their own existence.
You choose. You create.
In blaming others your greatest enemy is really you. Know your enemy. Know yourself. Look inside.
In 1974 Al Pacino played Michael Corleone in “The Godfather, Part II.” One of his often quoted lines was: “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”.
Who’s your biggest enemy? Look inside. Know yourself and your biggest enemy becomes your biggest friend.
Who’s your biggest enemy?
In the Senior Dictionary of Canadian English an enemy is, “a person or group that hates and tries to harm another, a hostile force, anything harmful – e.g.: frost is an enemy of plants.”
Have you ever thought about who your biggest enemy really is?
We’ll look at two situations:
1. You are stuck in traffic and late for a meeting.
2. A close friend lies to you.
You are in traffic headed to an important meeting. You’ve been running behind all day and now you’re stuck with nothing to think about but being late. Your blood boils and you think about the bad things that could happen because you are missing. You’re stressed.
Adrenaline, our natural stress response chemical is released. It triggers increased cardio-vascular activity and oxygenation, your senses are heightened and pain isn’t felt. Overstimulation by adrenaline – which can occur gradually over time, can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease and more.
· You knew you were running late.
· You could have warned those you are visiting.
· You could have re-scheduled.
· You could have allowed more time in your schedule.
But no, you pushed against time. A battle you know you can’t win.
Studies of the chronically late show that many simply don’t value time – yours or theirs. They fail to appreciate the value placed on it by others. They are inherently selfish – they don’t care about your time and they place little value on you. In July 2005, Don Malachowski wrote about time wasters in the SF Chronicle. Being late is one of the top 10 time wasters in business. It’s responsible for 1% of time wasted. Salary.com calculated that in the US some $759 billion per year is spent by employers on time wasted. That’s $7.6 billion US per year for being late, or about $100 for every person in the workforce.
· Who controlled the situations leading up to being late?
· Who could have done something about it?
· Who could have made it on time for you?
· Who is stressed?
· Who suffers the result of adrenaline stimulation?
· Who’s your enemy?
Now, let’s say that your best friend told you her husband cheated on her. She’s baring her soul to you. You offer your support, you listen, she has a shoulder to cry on. You take on her pain, hoping it will lessen her misery.
But later, you learn that she didn’t tell you everything: she had also cheated on her husband!
She didn’t tell you the whole truth. Now you feel cheated – betrayed on some level. You still feel her pain so you don’t want to add to her misery. You bury your feelings. You keep it inside and you feel badly. Your adrenaline has reacted again. And again that natural stress response does a little bit of harm to you. But you could have seen it coming.
Right or wrong, cheating is not uncommon. Statistics vary widely but here are few samples:
· U of Chicago: 12 % of women cheat, 22 % of men cheat,
· Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist: 20 % of women, 40 % of men,
· AskBob.com: 22 % of women, 37 % of men,
· The James Report on Sexual Behavior: 25 % of women, 35 % of men.
There’s a 50 / 50 chance that if the husband cheated, then so did the wife.
In this room of ______ women and ______ men it wouldn’t surprise me if ______ of the women and _____ of the men have or will cheat on their spouses.
Surprised? Perhaps, you’d be surprised if you hadn’t bothered to pay attention to what is pretty widely known and discussed. And you don’t need statistics to see it. John Legge, an old high school friend of mine and now a successful family lawyer in Toronto, jokingly attributes the success of his law practice to raging hormones.
Ever notice that when someone lies to you or doesn’t quite tell you everything, that you too were hiding something? Perhaps you were even hiding something from yourself. Not knowing, being uninformed, is a common way of deceiving ourselves.
We do it to avoid hurt. We all know that “ignorance is bliss”.
Now think about your reaction to the friend who cheated:
· Who didn’t see the facts?
· Who denied that she too might be cheating?
· Who fooled who?
· Who got stressed?
· Who was your enemy?
OUCH! In both these cases, the one hurting you is really you!
Dig into any situation and see the role you played in creating it. You even created tonight simply by being here. You are co-creator of the circumstances that you find yourself in.
The Wonders, a channeled entity say: “Existence is but an extension of yourself.”
It’s a statement that defines a harsh reality. Appreciate it and you realize that you can also change your circumstances by changing your choices.
If you don’t like where you are, then change your choices. Doing the same thing over and over doesn’t change the results – that’s a definition of insanity. Do something different - choose differently.
Blame doesn’t change your choices. It creates stress and harm. No one changes because you blame them. They only change when they choose to. They create their own existence.
You choose. You create.
In blaming others your greatest enemy is really you. Know your enemy. Know yourself. Look inside.
In 1974 Al Pacino played Michael Corleone in “The Godfather, Part II.” One of his often quoted lines was: “keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”.
Who’s your biggest enemy? Look inside. Know yourself and your biggest enemy becomes your biggest friend.
02 March 2008
Enemies reduce you!
By definition, your enemies want to harm you. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer" is wise advice. But what does it mean?
Get to know who your enemies really are and know them well - better than your friends.
Your friends are safe for you - they won't harm you. You relax with them, you can let down your guard. But your enemies are different.
Fear of what might happen, real or imagined, causes you to stop. Usually it's because the future, what follows if you ignore the fear is unknown. It MIGHT BE harmful. So we stop. But, getting past that fear and allowing yourself to live with the discomfort of the unknown, can be very expansive.
Ever notice how some people just go for as if fear didn't exist for them. Well - it does, they have simply learned how to use it. When I quit my job to form my company there were no guarantees - no clients were under contract, I was giving up a high paying job with a stable and secure company, I had no idea what would happen next. Yet I believed that I'd do well. I just knew it. And over time I've been proving that it was a wise move. How did I get to that knowing?
I certainly thought about my options logically. Give up a high paying job, lose the security of that job, put my livlihood and my home (which wasn't paid for) at risk. Yet I hated the way I had to work in the company I was in. I was stressed and that was harming me. I knew it was eating at me, that was harmful to me but I didn't realize just how harmful. I was scared. If I started to miss payments I'd be in deep trouble with the banks. From a purely logical perspective - I was better to stay put.
I chose to leave. I didn't quite the next day - I allowed myself time to get ready for it. I allowed myself time to legally register a company, get stationary printed and to get used to the whole concept. I allowed myself to get used to the uncertainty that lay ahead. It was uncomfortable for me and there were no sure things - the future was full of "what if's". But as I got used to that uncertainty, it became less threatening. I knew that I wouldn't knowingly harm myself. I knew I was capable of running the business. When I did finally quit my job I'd be able to focus exclusively on finding work because the details were looked after. As time went on the discomfort became more comfortable.
To this day, I really don't know what will happen next. I allow more abundance into my life. I have clients coming to me and I find new ones. But also lose some and I don't always win the bids when I compete for work. There are no guarantees. As a self employed individual I don't have a "safety net" of social services if I fail. Yet despite the uncertainties, the discomfort, I am comfortable because I KNOW that I'll be fine. I know I won't harm myself. I know I'm accepting abundance. I know I'm good at what I do and that it can help others and that they are willing to pay for that. I just KNOW I'll do well.
The fear of the uncertainty, the unknown that lay ahead when I was contemplating leaving my old job could have held me back. It could have been my enemy. But I chose to go in the direction of that fear. I chose the uncertainty, the discomfort and the risk. And it paid off. I continue to choose it - and it continues to pay off. I know that fear is a sign-post showing me where to go.
And yes, it still makes me uncomfortable. I still squirm at some of the possibilities. I still let it get the better of me sometimes. But overall, it is a sign-post pointing the way. The real enemy wasn't my fear. The real enemy is giving that fear my power. Giving in to it.
Choosing to go where the fear is screaming, "don't go there", is a sure fired way to do something new and different. That new direction is expansive - I learn with every choice, even if they don't work out the way I expect. Those lessons are valuable - I wouldn't have them if I didn't take the chance by choosing. Choice - the choice to do something new, something risky, something that creates uncertainty and discomfort is expansive.
Get to know who your enemies really are and know them well - better than your friends.
Your friends are safe for you - they won't harm you. You relax with them, you can let down your guard. But your enemies are different.
Fear of what might happen, real or imagined, causes you to stop. Usually it's because the future, what follows if you ignore the fear is unknown. It MIGHT BE harmful. So we stop. But, getting past that fear and allowing yourself to live with the discomfort of the unknown, can be very expansive.
Ever notice how some people just go for as if fear didn't exist for them. Well - it does, they have simply learned how to use it. When I quit my job to form my company there were no guarantees - no clients were under contract, I was giving up a high paying job with a stable and secure company, I had no idea what would happen next. Yet I believed that I'd do well. I just knew it. And over time I've been proving that it was a wise move. How did I get to that knowing?
I certainly thought about my options logically. Give up a high paying job, lose the security of that job, put my livlihood and my home (which wasn't paid for) at risk. Yet I hated the way I had to work in the company I was in. I was stressed and that was harming me. I knew it was eating at me, that was harmful to me but I didn't realize just how harmful. I was scared. If I started to miss payments I'd be in deep trouble with the banks. From a purely logical perspective - I was better to stay put.
I chose to leave. I didn't quite the next day - I allowed myself time to get ready for it. I allowed myself time to legally register a company, get stationary printed and to get used to the whole concept. I allowed myself to get used to the uncertainty that lay ahead. It was uncomfortable for me and there were no sure things - the future was full of "what if's". But as I got used to that uncertainty, it became less threatening. I knew that I wouldn't knowingly harm myself. I knew I was capable of running the business. When I did finally quit my job I'd be able to focus exclusively on finding work because the details were looked after. As time went on the discomfort became more comfortable.
To this day, I really don't know what will happen next. I allow more abundance into my life. I have clients coming to me and I find new ones. But also lose some and I don't always win the bids when I compete for work. There are no guarantees. As a self employed individual I don't have a "safety net" of social services if I fail. Yet despite the uncertainties, the discomfort, I am comfortable because I KNOW that I'll be fine. I know I won't harm myself. I know I'm accepting abundance. I know I'm good at what I do and that it can help others and that they are willing to pay for that. I just KNOW I'll do well.
The fear of the uncertainty, the unknown that lay ahead when I was contemplating leaving my old job could have held me back. It could have been my enemy. But I chose to go in the direction of that fear. I chose the uncertainty, the discomfort and the risk. And it paid off. I continue to choose it - and it continues to pay off. I know that fear is a sign-post showing me where to go.
And yes, it still makes me uncomfortable. I still squirm at some of the possibilities. I still let it get the better of me sometimes. But overall, it is a sign-post pointing the way. The real enemy wasn't my fear. The real enemy is giving that fear my power. Giving in to it.
Choosing to go where the fear is screaming, "don't go there", is a sure fired way to do something new and different. That new direction is expansive - I learn with every choice, even if they don't work out the way I expect. Those lessons are valuable - I wouldn't have them if I didn't take the chance by choosing. Choice - the choice to do something new, something risky, something that creates uncertainty and discomfort is expansive.
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